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The g.o.m.l. Mission

The fitness industry just loves acronyms, to sound cooler than it really is, exclude laypeople, and make an impenetrable "gym speak" lingo. Example? They don't just say "soreness," which everybody understands. They say "DOMS," which means "Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness." Hey, don't do that activity every 60 seconds... you gotta "EMOM" it! (Every Minute On the Minute.) With this in mind, Mike presents the two acronyms that embody his fitness philosophy... ETFD and MOTH.

ETFD: Eat the Fucking Donut


Don't lie... do you want to live to be 90 with no donuts, or 89 and 3/4 with a lifetime of donut joy behind you? Don't deny yourself the donut in the name of fitness, instead pursue fitness to have the donut. Too many fitness influencers will tell you eating the literal or metaphoric donut is "losing the game." Bullshit. Being able to eat the donut means you've won. Eating the donut is your goddam end zone dance. You workout to live a better life. Life is a Circle. So is a Donut. Coincidence? I don't think so.


MOTH: Motivated Ongoing Training for Health


Fitness is a very goal-oriented industry. But often, this outlook loses track of the fact that for most people, the workout is itself the goal. Forgetting this leads to programs being too specific, too time-constrained, and too narrow in scope, and it leads to trainers overlooking the overall benefits of exercise outside the parameters of attaining those narrow goals. James Thurber wrote a fable called "The Moth and the Star", about a Moth who leads a long and happy life pursuing the light of a distant star while his family all get burned to death fixating on lamps. Following this, Mike has developed an approach in which the pursuit of fitness is a success unto itself: MOTH... Motivated Ongoing Training for Health. Yes, using a trainer to prepare for an athletic fundraising event in six months is a fine idea. But your average person just wants to function better, move better, look better, and above all else, feel better and have fun while doing it. Mike's MOTH method is geared toward just that.




Standing all mopey and willowy and droopy behind your jet-black bangs is awesome, but like Meat, it’s MURDER on your back! Mike’s Emo Mobility Drills will help you regain flexibility, protect your joints, rebuild your spine and break down scar tissue so you can brood (physically) pain-free!

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